This is probably the first time where I have felt some kind of incentive to write about what’s on my mind. It has been months since the last time I wrote a whole piece, and I get it now.
Writing is sprouted from struggle and growth.
I’m home and have been for the past three months, and I feel happy and comfortable here. I don’t have to step out of my comfort zone, and everything here is familiar.
In college, I faced difficulties daily, but I constantly felt growth. There was homesickness, independence, unfamiliarity, and the overwhelming feeling of having to grow up.
Writing made it better. It is a tool for Realization.
So, as I sit here at 1 a.m., I am filled with emotions. Emotions that make my tummy turn.
Excitement because I already have planned out the way I want to decorate my room. Decorations, pictures, and lights surrounding my walls. My makeup perfectly organized on the desk. My camera on the table. I want it to be a place that defines me. Excitement because I want to see my friends. Excitement because I get to learn more, write, and do the things I want and like to do.
Nerves because although I made it through the first year, I don’t know exactly what to expect. This year is going to be different, and I want it to be.
Fearful because I’m scared of feeling overwhelmed again.
Although I am not struggling now, I am scared of the challenges to come. I was scared one year ago, and although not as much, I’m scared now.
But I don’t want it to be the same. I want to feel more excitement and nerves than fear. I want to be standing tall when I get back.
I went on a boat around the bay area a couple days ago, and I was so amazed at how beautiful it is.
I stepped on the deck because we were approaching the bay bridge. It was freezing, but we were about to go under it, and I knew I had to stay.
Throughout freshman year, I had a poster of the bay bridge above my bed, so it could be one of the first things I saw when I woke up. It was a reminder that no matter where I was, home was still there.
As we were going under, I looked up and saw the image I saw throughout my freshman year, but instead of it being in a picture, it was real. And it felt real. It was home.
But I also realized I was so amazed and happy because it was a certain beauty I had the opportunity of seeing.
We are told beauty exists, and we see it in movies. We read it in books. We may even dream about it. But to actually see it is a reminder that it really does exist.
We face obstacles every day, and sometimes we choose to. It can feel real tough sometimes. We can even feel like giving up sometimes. But, if we can remember beauty exists, and we can stand in a place where it becomes reality, it will all be worth it.
This is my first piece for this blog, and my thoughts are all over the place. What I’m saying may not make sense right now, but standing on the boat surrounded by people who were willing to stand in the cold to feel that beauty felt like a beginning.
I wasn’t thinking about struggle or difficulties or obstacles in that moment. I felt peace, happiness, and hope. – Jocelyn